This is not strictly about mobile, but I thought what the heck - we're in the age of convergence and since the subject of my ire is StarHub, the no. 2 mobile player in Singapore, I should be allowed to rant a bit about their cable tv subsidiary.
Tonight was the first time I tried their video-on-demand service (or is it pay per view? No matter, someone at StarHub couldn't decide so they called it their ppv.vod service). So there I was all pumped up to watch Ghost Rider starring Nicholas Cage. I had a vague recollection that some of StarHub's more exotic services are in channel 100+, so I went remote control surfing to channel 101, 102, hmmm, where is it, 103, 104, err, but phew, finally got traction at somewhere like 110 when some pay per view shows were listed as being currently on. A few more channel clicks and I then saw GhostRider trailers, oops, the first one started at 9pm (its about 11.07pm when I was doing this), nevermind, next channel click, one started at 10pm, we're getting warmer here, must be next one, yes, this one started at 11pm. Only 8 minutes since the start of the show, so I thought, that's ok let's start. Press ppv.vod, the TV message said, so I hunted for this esoteric term term on my remote control, ppv... ppv... yes, there it is! Great, so I asked Steph (my wife) to get the microwave popcorn going, so we can settle down to our show.
Eiii? After pressing ppv.etc, suddenly this menu with different timeslots pops up. I had to choose between 9.00am to 12pm,12pm to 3pm slot etc. etc. Dang - instead of showing the actual channel straightaway, I am supposed now to select an appropirate time. So I select 9pm to 12am slot, and then the menu came back with 11.30pm, 12am, 12.30am. Hey where's the 11pm slot? Nope, no can do, I can only choose a programme which has not yet already started (Haven't these StarHub guys ever been late for the movie). Ah well, its a small wait - we'll have to eat the popcorn first. So I selected 11.30pm slot, and settled back.
Eeiiiii? The menu came back with something like this: "To order this movie, call 1800 - XXX XXXX and enter your account number, IC number and programme code"
Errrr, why the heck can't we just get the movie through the remote (you can record shows, play games, send smses, and pretty much cook your food with this remote, but you can't order a movie). Remind me again what cable TV is all about? Yes folks: Movies! BUt now I have to get up from my sofa (a really tough proposition once one gets comfortable) and walk to get my phone. Thank goodness its a portable, so I can slink back to my sofa again.
By this time, I was getting a little hot under the collar here (a bit like the Ghost Rider character actually) but Steph really wanted to watch the show, so I took a deep breath, and reluctantly dialled up the phone, my StarHub
fixed line phone (this point is important, as you will see).
So I'm at the automatic selection section, and I got to the point where the voice prompt (after the usual request for language selection etc) asked me for my StarHUb account number. Account number?
First of all, unless you're an idiot savant ala Rainman, no normal person would have their account number at the top of their heads. Second of all, people usually watch TV in the living room, far far away (or at least "stand from the sofa and enter another room" from the study where they just might have kept their Starhub Cable bill which contains the account number.
I was about to burst into flames ala Ghost Rider, but I guess StarHub must have had heat sensors down the telephone lines as miraculously, the option of speaking to a live customer service officer came up. I seized it, and a polite gentleman answered my call.
"I can't remember my account number, and honestly, I truly cannot be bothered to go looking for it (TV is a couch potato thing you know)". The customer service guy sounded sympathetic as I was obviously not the first customer to complain about this, so I now resemble more like Johnny Blaze than Ghost Rider. May I have your IC number he asked. Sure XXXXXXXXX. And your name? Abdul Malek bin Mohamed Ali (I have a long offical name, I know...). Whilst he was punching in the details on the CRM system (doesn't StarHub have if caller line identification software?), I let loose a little.
"Do you know that without your help, I would have to find my account number, then punch in a 8 digit number, followed by a 7 digit NRIC number, then followed by a 9 (or is it 10) digit programme code?" The customer service guy still sounded sympathetic, again my grouses must have sounded quite familiar.
He offered some advice though. Apparently, if I wanted to avoid keying in my account number, all I have to do is call through my StarHub mobile phone (yes, I'm one of those mugs that joined StarHub's Hub Club) and the CLI system should be able to identify me and not prompt me for an account number (but it will still prompt me for an NRIC number and a programme code).
Despite your obviously pleasant disposition Mr Customer Service man, let me walk you through this. Of course, all StarHub customers should have known about this handy piece of information right? I'm just the mug who did not read StarHub's 23 page guide for ordering ppv.vod movies. Secondly, why just my mobile phone number? I have 5 phone numbers with you man! (fixed line phone, dedicated fax line, my mobile phone, wife's mobile phone, and a spare prepaid SIM card for guests visiting the country, all tied to the same address and NRIC). And you expect me to know which of my numbers is my primary number for which CLI would work? Shouldn't you just CLI everything?
Nevermind, nevermind, calm down Malek. But then I noticed a notice on the TV which goes something along the lines of "If you order through 1633, you will be charged an extra $1". Mr Customer Service, are you considered a 1633 call? "Yes" came the reply. So $1 for the privilege of speaking with you? Fortunately, Mr Customer Service man was ever so nice, he waived the $1 fee.
BY this time, I ws so thankful that the process was almost over that I profusely thankedMr Customer Service for his help and enlightenment of the mystical ways of StarHub Cable. I put down the phone and settled for the show. Time 11.23pm. 7 more miutes to go. Went to the kitchen and prepared a Milo.
Right, it's 11.30 sharp now. So I go to channel 123 where the Ghost Rider was supposed to start at 11.30pm. Hey what's this? No movie was on, only a trailer of other movies.
I panicked. Did I hear channel 123 correctly? Why was the movie not on? I checked some menu item called the Buy List, If my movie was not listed there within 10 minutes of the show, then apparently my order was not successful. So I checked the Buy List. Yes, my movie was there. Back to channel 123, Still trailers, Surf channel, surf channel, panic, panic , panic. NOt only was I experienceing images of another painful call with StarHub cable on refunding yy hard-earned $5 ppv.vod charge, but also a very grumpy wife deprived of her chosen show.
At 11.36 pm, made a last ditch attempt at channel 123. It's there!!! Yahoo! I guess the movie is allowed to start late, though the audience is not allowed to be late (see section on trying to order movie 5 minutes past its show time above).
Ah-ha. Baby might cry in the middle of the show so I better record using my latest 3 in 1 (actually, 2 in 1) StarHub TiVO recorder. Just press the red record button right?
Click, click. Click, click. No response. OK, press SmartTV button. Click, click. Click, click, Again no response. Instead of settling down to watch the start of the movie, my wife and I spend the next 10 minutes arguing about how to record this movie (its press "i" info button, then the green softkey "Info" button, then the green softkey info button again, and then the blue soft key "Rec" button, afterwhich, do not forget to press the blue soft key "Save" again (I did not to do this last step - I thought pressing "Rec" is so definitive, why would one need to do anything more).
Needless to say, my baby cried during the final scene (I swear), just as Ghost Rider was about to be killed by the son of the Devil (I forgot his name). I was quite calm, for I knew that I could play back the closing scene using my 3, sorry, I mean, 2 in 1 set-top box. So exactly 15 minutes later, I came downstairs again, baby all snuggled up in bed and I setlled on the sofa. Press Smart TV, click, click, great, select My Playlist. Errrr, where's Ghost Rider? The last thing recorded was apparently High School Musical 2, which was my daughter's recording of its premier 2 days back. WHERE'S GHOST RIDER ???
Because I did not press the blue soft "Save" key, and notwithstanding the I pressed the definitive blue soft "Rec" key, Ghost Rider was not recorded by my set-top box. So I missed the final scene. Consolation prize is that my wife managed to watch it, so I escaped a grumpy evening, and I was incensed enough to go straight to my computer and type out this blog at 2.30 am in the morning.
There you have it folks. My first pay-per-view video-on-demand (or in Starhub-speak, ppv.vod, which also means i-pod in Russian) experience with StarHub.
Post-script-
An apology: I read this article several weeks later and found it to be irritating from a reader's point of view. I blame it on the pent-up anger of missing the final scene of the movie going ballistic on the keyboard. I will remind myself not to write in anger nest time.
